Do not wish me luck…

Do not wish me luck. There is no such thing. We make our own luck. We have to  work for it. It is something that we get if we dream hard but also work hard. Nothing is coming to us for free.

So it is 3rd of January. Tomorrow is Monday. The festive season is over. People are coming back from holidays. As from tomorrow life will be back to normal.

I am curious. Will I make any good decisions and take proper actions this year? Will I have more energy to face the world? Will I manage to fight this constant anxiety? Will New Year bring me any answers or solutions?

There was 366 days to go… I have already lost three.

Don’t wish me luck. I need a strength.

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“Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements”…

Being unemployed sucks. I have already said, I know.

I have applied for a certain position recently. The position was something that I have already done before and have some (like few years) experience in the subject. Proven. Black on white, states clearly in my CV. The answer was “no”.

I have applied for another position within the same company. I have applied for a position for which I have no proven skills or experience, but I do feel like I could do it and more important: I would love to do it. The answer was “no”.

Don’t judge me by the action described above. It is just one of many stories about job searching I could tell. I have never applied before for two different positions within the same company in such a short period of time as I find it professionally suicidal.

Obviously I feel like shit right now. But not because I did something unprofessional but because of the fact that seems like I am good with nothing! I feel like shit, like none, like a piece of  junk, feel empty and stupid, useless and unworthy.

The position “A” seemed to be a perfect match. I have done that, I liked it, I was pretty good at it. There is a future in this area. Job description included nothing I wouldn’t know or couldn’t do or learn. The company is fairly new, has a good reputation, is growing and has a potential. They have few openings on their website and few of them very interesting but only two of them were something that I could apply for. Position “A” was a safe option. I was quite sure I have great chance because I have required experience and skills! Unfortunately they don’t care. My CV  has been rejected – failure on a very first stage.

I decided to apply for a position “B”. A fancy one. I have not much experience in this field. I have done something alike few years ago but nothing I can prove. That’s the thing. I did it and I loved it but I cant prove it. There is no way. Obviously there is a mention about it in my CV but those tasks were only small, tiny part of the job and my primary role was something completely different. Plus it was few years ago and to find it they would have to “scroll” down my CV a bit and really wanted to find it. And yes, I have highlighted it in my motivation letter. To make it even more shitty, position “B” was a position of an “assistant”. Not a bloody manager, director, specialist or any other highly qualified, super talented person but an “assistant”!!! Did I really asked for too much???  😦

I CAN do that can you hear me??!!!! I CAN AND I WANT!!!  I WANT to do the job!! I would be good at it!!! I would be your loyal and devoted employee!! The best one you have ever had!!! I would give you my best! I would love you and cherish you and I would move in to the office if you would ask! I would gather the experience and knowledge in a blink of an eye, because it is something I WOULD LOVE to do, got it??!!

Oh, I think I forgot to mention (to you) the fact that I have studied the subject! I went for a part time study, back in time when I was still working, I have completed my assignment, passed the exam and got a certificate!

So this is how things looks like: whether you’re applying for a position with proven skills and experience or a fancy one, that you think if you complete the study and you are arrogant enough to think you can do it, in both cases the answer will be NO! So lets say you are thirty something years old, finished some studies, learned some languages, worked in couple places, you are flexible, easily adapting, open minded, experienced (or not) or at least willing to learn person – the answer is NO!

Can someone tell me WHY?? If I would get at least small hint…I would improve or change! Whatever would that be…

Should I keep on searching only for a “safe options”? Should I include also those fancy ones? Even though being defeated on both fields is horribly, horribly painful… Or should I give up on any of those and lower not only my expectations but also lie about my achievements and start searching for something below my skills level?

PS. There is a song by Adele. I am sure it is not about job searching dilemmas :D, but the refrain got stuck in my head. It is a quite good picture of what is going on under my skull right now…

“Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place?
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasin’ pavements
Even if it leads nowhere?”

 

How my Grandmother killed Santa on Christmas Eve…

I was three (?) or maybe four years old. It is one of those first memories people are able to remember. We were living on the ground-floor of a three storey building. Typical city family, two plus two (at the time) and the Grandma. Nothing unusual. The building was old, post war creation of someone’s imagination, with huge common yard at the back, dark basement which created a horrors for many children in their childish  minds and also common attic full of treasures, always locked and forbidden because of the two tiny unsecured windows…

I remember the place we’ve lived in very well. They don’t raise such buildings anymore. The flats were huge and very tall. With very big windows and parquet floors in some rooms. Our was two bedroom flat, with separate kitchen, bathroom and long corridor.  The hallway was as long as the flat. I remember the dark-green linoleum floor, which at the time was so clean and shiny one could really see own reflection in it. At the end of that hallway was a huge cabinet. The furniture filled the whole recess. It was old, tall and ugly piece of furniture and maybe that is why it was hidden behind a curtain. We didnt find the cabinet as interesting as the whole “landfill” of old, mysterious suitcases and bags full of old clothes and not used things on top of it. None was actually looking in there. Only from time to time new bag was landing on top of the others. The cabinet itself belonged to my Grandmother. Well most of it. Part of it belonged to her.She kept there her underwear and other personal stuff and the other part of this large furniture belonged to winter clothes, shoes and umbrellas. We didn’t get there much neither.

In my country the most important part of Christmas is Christmas Eve. We celebrate on the 24th of December. This is a day when we start Christmas. It starts with special supper, usually soon after it gets dark, “with the first star on the sky” as some say. We gather at the table, everyone nicely dressed and the celebrations begins. When I was a kid, Christmas were magical. Those were times when we knew for sure that there will be a lots of snow. Times when Christmas preparations were starting long before. When flat had to be spick-and span. When all those fantastic smells were wandering from room to room,window to window, flat to flat. Times when there was no TV during Christmas meal. Times when traditions were still alive and cherished…

On that particular Christmas Eve when everything was ready, my Mom or my Grandma, I don’t really remember but it doesn’t matter, sent us to the backyard to check if the first star is already on the sky and if Santa is coming, maybe he is somewhere near already…? 🙂 They were doing it every year actually. Every Christmas Eve we had to go either outside or to the other room and close the door. If it was outside then the view was much better obviously, but in case it was in the other room then things were getting complicated. We were sitting then with our faces glued to the window and all we could actually see was the building on the other side of the street. Anyway, that day we had to got to the backyard.

It was cold and dark already. We were already nicely dressed and practically ready to celebrate, but we had to put some winter jackets on and go outside. We were about to go out and I was the last one to go. I almost closed the door behind me when I saw something. It last for split of a second but has change my life forever.

In this huge mysterious cabinet where my Grandmother kept her underwear and where the whole family kept their jackets, caps, scarfs and gloves were… Christmas gifts. Our GIFTS!! All those things that I have been dreamed of whole year, that I have asked for in a letter to Santa! A gifts that SANTA suppose to bring and secretly put under the Christmas tree! All the free space between hangers and on the shelves has been filled with colorful, small and big beautifully wrapped packets. I closed the door as silently as I could. I didn’t say anything. Not even one word. To anyone. Never.

This was my first trauma. First meaningful discovery. True revelation: SANTA DOES NOT EXIST. It is Grandma. Or my Mom. They killed Santa!

I have never said anything about what I saw. To anyone. I pretended to believe in Santa for few more years, until my Grandmother died. And even a bit longer… Part of my brain refused the reality. I did not wanted to know. I wanted to believe. I didn’t tell my Granny that I have seen her hurriedly opening the cave full of treasures to put them under the tree before we will be back. I didn’t tell her because… I loved her so much. I loved her more than my parents and anyone else! I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I didn’t want her to feel sorry or sad…

Today is also a Christmas Eve, only thirty years later. My Granny and my parents passed away long time ago. Today it is just me and my husband. There are no gifts. We don’t have a Christmas tree. There is nothing left from that enchanted Christmas I remember from my childhood. I am an adult now and maybe the magic of Christmas is rather gone but there is magic of love and I am thankful for it.

 

PS. I am still  unemployed by the way. Happy Holidays! 😀

Weekends…

I hate weekends. I literally do. They doesn’t matter anymore. I’m at home anyway. I’m staying home whole week. So who cares? I have a weekend all week round…

I do hate weekends nowadays. Those are days when I know I will not get any answer from any company and none who is searching for new employees.

Those two days are not different from any other day of the week. Simply because it is not like I am working my ass off Monday-Friday nine to five. It is not even the exciting lack of routine granted by shift work or working on a duty roster.  It is 24/7  anxiety/ frustration.

I cant say that I am bored. I have never had so much time to read books for example! I have never had so much time to do…whatever I want! Well “whatever” limited by lack of money so not much left, heh?

In fact there is plenty things to do with no money, but it is not about that. It is about the fact that there is no purpose in it. How many books you can read, how many meals you can cook, how many languages you can learn or how spotless your flat can be if there is no appreciation? If none is telling you at least “good job” or “well done”?  It is  not like my husband does not appreciate those things but… Do you know what I mean??? None is paying me for all those things. Being (hopeless) housewife it is not what I want!  I want to wake up everyday with some bad swear on my lips and promise made to myself that I will sleep as long as humanly possible during the weekend. I want to dream about holidays. I want to keep on checking my payslip if they didn’t forget to include my overtime and I want to be angry at the cleaner lady that she moved some stuff on my desk! I miss those days! I miss my mornings when I was wondering what to wear, if I ‘ll find parking space, what new will my boss come up with, who is going to resign today, what new face I ‘ll find in the office, with whom I going to eat my lunch! I want to check my watch every now and then and freak out while checking my FB page with unexpected CEO behind my back…

So why did you quit you may ask? Well…

I hate weekends!

little bit of whining

Owing to the fact that nothing has happened today – I feel like whining.

Have you ever felt forgotten? Despite a fact of having a family and some friends, have you ever felt lost and forgotten by the whole world? So forgotten that not even bills are coming to your mailbox??

The last sentence is so ironic it makes me smile 🙂

…but it is not funny.Everything is just not right.

YET AGAIN…

guess what…?

seriously, I don’t even know what to think! And the headache today…

I mean how can a company be such an asshole’ish one, to announce they are recruiting, to actually invite people for an interview, wasting their time, causing them stress, giving them hope, and then (!) decide to hire someone internally? (!)

I mean WTF???? Who does that??!!

I know I am being emotional. It happened to ME so I am angry (PISSED!!), frustrated, sad, I feel stupid, down, useless, hopeless. I feel down.

And I have all rights to feel this way!

I cried again. I couldn’t believe the bloody email. I was waiting for it with my heart filled with hope and – even worst – I felt so much positive about this one! I felt really good after the interview. I was thinking: “job well done”. Yeah, there was this tiny bit of doubt, little bit of fear of rejection but I have tried not to think about it, tried to stay positive…

(Staying positive does not pay back!!! I still have no money in my pocket! I do not have even once cent to go for a coffee! I do not have a reason to wake up tomorrow morning, to dress up and greet the world! Yes!! – this is exactly how I feel at the moment…)

So…. what am I going to do now? Well, I cried already. I ate huge piece of feta cheese (with tomato to kill all stings of remorse…), I did not want a hug claiming that I dont need (!) it because I am a big girl (..) and I am about to contact the girl who is recruitment agent, who is going to kill me soon or at least ban my email address due to amount of emails I keep on sending her to not let her forget about me…

What else can I do? Used all options already. Agencies, LinkedIn, companies websites, friends,Facebook… Any other ideas?

Need some painkiller.

 

 

How do I cope with being jobless?

I dont. Being jobless sucks. It sucks big time. Day by day getting more depressed and less hopeful. I am screwing up one interview after another just because for the past few years I simply didnt have to practice this activity, and now, all of sudden it became a crucial part of my life.
I quit my job. I didnt lost it , wasnt fired, just quit. Back then I thought it is a good idea because spending at least 8 hours in the office where people barely notice each other was nerve wracking. Plus the guy who took over as a manager was an asshole. So I decided that my health is more important and quit. I still think that it was a good idea but there is REALITY. My reality is unemployment. Being without job and with less and less hope to find any.

Seems like my age doesnt matter, but then I am facing fact that they just hired some 19 years old kid. Seems like I am experienced enough but then I discover that I know nothing. After my research on the market I know they can pay me a good salary but then I am told I am too expensive. Three languages also seems to be not enough.
Do I feel crap? Yes. I feel like I am going nowhere. I know I will never be who I really would like to be for that simple reason I was born in wrong place and wrong time but still I can do something. Be good at some job. I can learn new things. I can adjust to new place and people. Still – none wants to hire me. I have met almost all old friends that I didnt have time to meet when I was working. Obviously all of them thinking that I arrange all that meetings to announce that I am looking for something which is not true. Do people help me to find a job anyway? Yes and no. I dont want to use my connections. Somehow they know anyway,but I never ask. Not my way of doing things. Well I am hypocrite because I have done it once or twice… got desperate and it just slipped out.
I do not cope well with my unemployment. Waking up in the morning with no goals for the day is not funny at all. Unless the goal is to cook and clean, do some shopping, read a book, go for a coffee…. it is good for a week or two and when you know that there will be some pretty nice amount of cash coming in in the end of the month. If not, then there is a different story. My husbands money are NOT my money. It is him who is going to work every day and feeding us both! Paying bills, taking us out every now and then. Despite the fact that we have swear to each other “for better and for worst” and blah blah blah, I do not want to be on his support! I am healthy, still young and fully functional woman who can and want to be independent!
Jeez what a mess! All those feelings and emotions I am experiencing everyday are overwhelming. I can not force myself to be creative because I am too tired. I cant find myself learning something new because I am sick and tired of worrying…

…and this is the only thing I am REALLY good at at the moment.

Feel not alive.

Worst experience ever! (well, not ever but recently)

So I kind of got a job. My god how happy I was!!! How relieved!! Few hours later I was job searching again…

A long time no see friend contacted me. She wrote me plain and simple email, asking how I am doing and if I am still working for The Company. I was surprise by her email and by the question. We are not a great friends. more like acquaintances, well kind of.. we are friends. Just the kind who do not see each other very often. Settled 🙂

I replied as honest as I could: I am good. I have left The Company already and currently looking for something.

She wrote that in this case we have to meet because…. she might have something for me.

Cool!!!

We have met for a coffee. We talked and talked and I got the job! She was going to be my Boss, my supervisor. She told me that it is a very new company, very new project, they starting everything from the very begging, so she needs someone who can not only work FOR her but WITH her, someone she can trust and cooperate with. How could I say no to that?! Obviously we both new that it is a huge challenge for both of us. For her obviously much bigger as it was going to be her department. I was the first person she hired 🙂

We talked about facts, we knew we will have to sit and  write down ideas and suggestions. I knew that I will have to focus and remind myself some procedures and regulations I had to deal with in The Company and alternate them in order to implement it in the new environment. We were so excited about the future, which seemed to be so bright! We have raised a toast with cappuccino 🙂  and I “officially” confirmed I am on board.

When our meeting come to an end she said that now all she need to do is to write to her manager and confirm with him that I am “in” and when we will sign the contract as well the salary. Perfect! I got the job!!

I was waiting for this day for so long!! It was a very nice one, sunny but not too warm. HE had a day off, but since I was going for a coffee with “my future boss” we didn’t really planned anything. We were taking it easy.  When I came back and told him the news he was happy for me. Finally we could start talking about something else than “job searching”.I felt relaxed. Relieved. I felt good. We went for a walk, ate something on the way, went for a beer. I even suggested that maybe we should go somewhere for couple of days, before I start.  Back then still had some savings and we could afford short city break, we needed it so much!

We’ve been sitting there in a pub, so relieved. I felt so light. We were talking about things we didn’t talked about for weeks, because the subject number one was my unemployment and the reason why I have left the job. Over and over again. And the pressure that I have to find something. Find a job asap!!!  And then, all of sudden I GOT THE JOB! Someone remembered about me, someone knew I am good, someone contacted me and offered me a  job!!!

We had fantastic afternoon that day. Lovely one and I don’t know what thought me to check my email when we came back. I thing I just simply wanted to check if she got some answer from her manager already. Basically I wanted to check my “starting day” date. If I knew what I will find in there I would wait till another day. Or never opened it. I thought it is a joke. But then, she is too serious and this “joke” would be VERY shallow one…

” I am so sorry and feel incredibly awkward but my manager did not approved your candidacy”

Wait, what?? WHAT??? Are you fucking kidding me??!!

I didn’t get the job.

 

No-one said it will be easy…

It is been a while since I’ve wrote something…. My idea was to write about the experience of being unemployed housewife. No job, no money, no career. It was going to be about the journey through job searching websites, recruitment agencies, failed interviews….It was going to be about being unemployed and about the “fun” of searching for new exciting job. Starting new career.Whatever.

So it is been couple of months.

I cant write… I am so tired. I could sleep whole day. Only when He is at home  I am trying to keep myself up and running. But even then I am trying to hide behind some book. Pretending that I am reading, so he thinks I am reading. In fact I am praying to survive till the evening so I can go sleep again.

HE is the best thing that happened to me. I live for him. And thanks to him.

Nothing else matters.

 

Counting

Just counted. Within last month I have applied  for job 27 times. I have sent 27 CV’s. Within 3 weeks actually as I forgot I’ve got friends over…. 😉

Is it enough? I don’t think so. I should try harder! There is so many companies! Well… not all of them are looking for new employees but always worth to try, right? I don’t know how many websites I have visited so far, but millions I think! Unfortunately most of the time all I can see is something that I could only dream about…Only if. Bloody “IF’s” ! If I could only do this or if I could only know how to do that or if I could only speak this and that language….. Aggghhhhrrr!!!!

Should I be motivated or frustrated?

Off to send another CV… (by the way: they say that ability to navigate in WordPress is an important skill so…I will keep on writing)