We all have them. Whole bunch or just a few. Or none. Or one. Or whatever…Basically we all have some people around us. With some of them we managed to establish some close relationship throughout the years, with some of them just clicked right away, there is many ways of making friends and maintain good relationship with them.
Whatever is your way of getting new friends and staying in good terms with the old ones my relationship with friends and potential friends is quite complicated. I was about to write that I have no friends but cant do that as it would be not fair. I have a few, somewhere, faraway from my place. We see each other once a year maybe (?) or even less. Sometime we write on Facebook, sometimes we call each other. Those are fantastic people. People that are close to my heart. People that I love to spend time with, going out, have drinks, have fun, talk and laugh till the morning… But they are thousands kilometers away from here… and this is the reason why we are still friends and why I love them so much. Because they are not anywhere close…
That’s the thing. They are far away.
Another group of people that I am fantastic with are those “temporarily” ones. Those who appear in my life only for a second. Those whom I met just before they decided to leave the country or this planet… I am so good with them! I love them and what is more important: they love me. they REALLY do. Somehow they see me with the eyes of their souls. There is an instant connection, a bond, great understanding, acceptance. Those are people whom I miss the most and I usually I dont miss people. I dont miss anyone or anything. I dont get attached to things or people. People have rights to move, to change their positions, their minds , their opinions. People have rights to change, but some bond stays untouched. In these rare cases I always feel sorry. Sometimes sad when it is over and I realize that I have just lost an opportunity to became friends with someone special. To be more precise, I have lost opportunity to get together with my soulmate.
I dont know if I ever get to the point in this post. What made me write about people we tend to call friends are two things: one, the one just mentioned, the temporary ones, people who appear in my life just for a while, and the second thing is my friend, who just complained that I spend more time with my dog then her… (WTF?) Anyway….
I realized that I am losing my soulmates when one of them has left to another country. She is like a older sister to me and I love her very much but I realized that quite late…It got me quite recently when we spoken and she told me she miss me… I cried after ;( I couldn’t believe that I can be missed. When she was here I ‘ve never felt like making any strong bond with her. She was just a friend. So different from me. And yet the relationship survived and I cherish every bit of it. We don’t have to see each other or even talk for ages but then, when we meet, its like we never went apart.
Now, there is this girl at work. Joined our team recently. Very nice person. We are very different but somehow it clicked and she is or could be my potential soulmate. Why only “potential”? Because she will leave soon. She is pregnant and in three months will disappear in her own new-mum’s world. Well we can still be friends but it is too early to say… just the feeling that she might be the next “temporary one”…
Back to the friend who complained that I neglected her. I don’t even know how to start…. we are so different. She is pissing me off so often…I don’t agree with her opinions and point of view in so many matters and I am often angry and disappointed when coming back home after meeting with her. I am loosing my faith in people because of her even though I know that deep inside she is a good person with good heart. Maybe it is the fact that we are coming from completely different backgrounds and families, we have very different life experiences and different goals… but I respect her and all the differences between us. I just don’t feel like meeting with her right now… it is not fair as I didn’t talk to her for weeks now and not even because I did not feel like but because I had not time for it. Plus speaking with her would make me feel bad because that is all I am able to do right now: a phone call (if any) or rather a message. No meeting. I can not deal with her disappointments of a spoiled girl. “I dont like this, I cant eat that, you should do this this way because you can not do it that way, I would never allow this to happen to me because it should not be this way but that way because that way is better “.
And she barely listen to me, my stories. I don’t even bother anymore to tell her about things because hers are more important obviously. To make it worse, our common friend told me one day that we should take care of her and show her lots of compassion and understanding because it is not an easy time for her… Well, it is not an easy time for me neither… it is the most shitty time of my life actually and I don’t know if I will ever manage to stop feeling the way I feel and when I am trying to let them know in very indirect way (my bad) what is going on with me, all I hear is that I should get a grip because it will pass. “It is just temporary, it just hormones, you have a bad days I get that”….. YOU DO NOT! Because you don’t know! Because you are healthy person with common issues. Not that mine are somehow special but it is just happen to be that I have issues and they don’t… so again: my fault that I dint tell them. I didn’t make the confession.
Anyway, I lost the point…. what I wanted to say is that I am really good only with those relationships that have no chance to last long. All those people around me whom could be my best friends ever – I reject them, kind of. I just don’t feel like or better to say can not get involved with them on a higher level. Why?
It is a miracle that my marriage survived so many years.
I wrote this post couple of months ago and left it unfinished, probably there was something more or else I wanted to write…. anyway, the thing is I still dont get it. I still dont understand why I am best with people who are showing up in my life just for a minute and pulling myself away from those who are staying….
…and I miss people. I miss them so much! I miss contacts and relationships! I miss this connection between people. I miss all that we used to have as a kids. Connections. Real, strong bonds. In real life. So real that almost tangible. So close and beautiful. So valuable.
…. at the same time, the more time I spend with people, the more I prefer to spend it with my dog…
it really sucks.