Friends. Or whatever you call the people you spend time with…

We all have them. Whole bunch or just a few. Or none. Or one. Or whatever…Basically we all have some people around us. With some of them we managed to establish some close relationship throughout the years, with some of them just clicked right away, there is many ways of making friends and maintain good relationship with them.

Whatever is your way of getting new friends and staying in good terms with the old ones my relationship with friends and potential friends is quite complicated. I was about to write that I have no friends but cant do that as it would be not fair. I have a few, somewhere, faraway from my place. We see each other once a year maybe (?) or even less. Sometime we write on Facebook, sometimes we call each other. Those are fantastic people. People that are close to my heart. People that I love to spend time with, going out, have drinks, have fun, talk and laugh till the morning… But they are thousands kilometers away from here… and this is the reason why we are still friends and why I love them so much. Because they are not anywhere close…

That’s the thing. They are far away.

Another group of people that I am fantastic with are those “temporarily” ones. Those who appear in my life only for a second. Those whom I met just before they decided to leave the country or this planet… I am so good with them! I love them and what is more important: they love me. they REALLY do. Somehow they see me with the eyes of their souls. There is an instant connection, a bond, great understanding, acceptance. Those are people whom I miss the most and I usually I dont miss people. I dont miss anyone or anything. I dont get attached to things or people. People have rights to move, to change their positions, their minds , their opinions. People have rights  to change, but some bond stays untouched. In these rare cases I always feel sorry. Sometimes sad when it is over and I realize that I have just lost an opportunity to became friends with someone special. To be more precise, I have lost opportunity to get together with my soulmate.

I dont know if I ever get to the point in this post. What made me write about people we tend to call friends are two things: one, the one just mentioned, the temporary ones, people who appear in my life just for a while,  and the second thing is my friend, who just complained that I spend more time with my dog then her… (WTF?) Anyway….

I realized that I am losing my soulmates when one of them has left to another country. She is like a older sister to me and I love her very much but I realized that quite late…It got me quite recently when we spoken and she told me she miss me… I cried after ;( I couldn’t believe that I can be missed. When she was here I ‘ve never felt like making any strong bond with her. She was just a friend. So different from me. And yet the relationship survived and I cherish every bit of it. We don’t have to see each other  or even talk for ages but then, when we meet, its like we never went apart.


Now, there is this girl at work. Joined our team recently. Very nice person. We are very different but somehow it clicked and she is or could be my potential soulmate. Why only “potential”? Because she will leave soon. She is pregnant and in three months will disappear in her own new-mum’s world. Well we can still be friends but it is too early to say… just the feeling that she might be the next “temporary one”…

Back to the friend who complained that I neglected her. I don’t even know how to start…. we are so different. She is pissing me off so often…I don’t agree with her opinions and point of view in so many matters and I am often angry and disappointed  when coming back home after meeting with her. I am loosing my faith in people because of her even though I know that deep inside she is a good person with good heart. Maybe it is the fact that we are coming from completely different backgrounds and families, we have very different life experiences and different goals… but I respect her and all the differences between us. I just don’t feel like meeting with her right now… it is not fair as I didn’t talk to her for weeks now and not even because I did not feel like but because I had not time for it. Plus speaking with her would make me feel bad because that is all I am able to do right now: a phone call (if any) or rather a message. No meeting. I can not deal with her disappointments of a spoiled girl. “I dont like this, I cant eat that, you should do this this way because you can not do it that way, I would never allow this to happen to me because it should not be this way but that way because that way is better “.


And she barely listen to me, my stories. I don’t even bother anymore to tell her about things because hers are more important obviously.  To make it worse, our common friend told me one day that we should take care of her and show her lots of compassion and understanding because it is not an easy time for her… Well, it is not an easy time for me neither… it is the most shitty time of my life actually and I don’t know if I will ever manage to stop feeling the way I feel and when I am trying to let them know in very indirect way (my bad) what is going on with me, all I hear is that I should get a grip because it will pass. “It is just temporary, it just hormones, you have a bad days I get that”….. YOU DO NOT! Because you don’t know! Because you are healthy person with common issues. Not that mine are somehow special but it is just happen to be that I have issues and they don’t… so again: my fault that I dint tell them. I didn’t make the confession.

Anyway, I lost the point…. what I wanted to say is that I am really good only with those relationships that have no chance to last long. All those people around me whom could be my best friends ever – I reject them, kind of. I just don’t feel like or better to say can not get involved with them on a higher level. Why?

It is a miracle that my marriage survived so many years.



I wrote this post couple of months ago and left it unfinished, probably there was something more or else I wanted to write…. anyway, the thing is I still dont get it. I still dont understand why I am best with people who are showing up in my life just for a minute and pulling myself away from those who are staying….

…and I miss people. I miss them so much! I miss contacts and relationships! I miss this connection between people. I miss all that we used to have as a kids. Connections. Real, strong bonds. In real life. So real that almost tangible. So close and beautiful. So valuable.

…. at the same time, the more time I spend with people, the more I prefer to spend it with my dog…

it really sucks.



Because I have bills to pay… 

9 am. Well…20 past to be precise.

What am I doing here?

Sitting at the desk which I hate. It is not even mine. They want us to be mobile so none get stick to one desk and this way we all can mix  and mingle.

Bullshit. I want to have my own desk, where I can leave my things. Headphones, charger, dirty mug, whatever… I want to belong to the place. I want to feel as part of it.

7 and a half hours to go. 1 hour lunch. that makes 6 hours and a half. Will I take lunch today? No. Most probably no because the schedule is fucked up and today we are pretty much under staffed. Shit.

My head is killing me. Didn’t sleep well. Cried almost whole evening. Have shitload to do but cant focus. I feel like literally get out of here. Checking my personal email every few minutes, waiting for the answer from the other company whether they want me there or not.

Is it so bad in here? Well….yes and no, it depends. I believe that changes are good. Yes, all changes are good. Just current changes are not good for me at this particular moment of my life. Therefore I am looking for another opportunity somewhere else. Hope it will work. Wish them (here) good luck.

Feel like writing. I could write for hours. Read and write. The problem is I have a bills to pay… so my time to write is limited. My time to read is limited too because after going back home I am so fuc*** tired I am falling asleep after 3 pages of the book… If I am off I do all the stuff I didn’t have time for during the week so then I am tired and dont feel like intellectual entertainment which makes me feel bad because this is what I would love to be occupied with instead of vacuuming and washing and cleaning and shopping… but someone has to do it right? 😦

Updated my mood tracker about 2 hours ago. Felt like shit already. Perfect start of the day. And it is only quarter to 10….

Finger crossed and I ‘ll make it. At least till 5pm. Because I have bills to pay…

Like a robot. 

It is bad. The way I feel right now. I cant even describe it. I just want to cry…cry and scream. I want to cry so much….

Came back home little while ago. I’ve been searching for a parking for 55 min. Bloody 55 minutes of driving around and searching for a bloody parking space. And guess what? As soon as I found it, there was dozen of other parking places all of sudden!!!

It is bad. Yesterday I forgot about my dog while taking him for a walk. Literally. I realized that I didn’t take him with me half way to the spot…  I wanted to scream and cry but I couldn’t. I was in the car, in the middle of the road. Had to remain as stable as possible to be able to drive back and take him out.

It is bad. If not the dog in the car who knows… There was a moment when all I wanted was to close my eyes and press the pedal… I wanted it so badly. Just close my eyes and disappear. We were approaching the tunnel… Technically it was so easy. I didn’t do it because the dog was on the back seat, and he didn’t deserve it. He is still a pup.

I have this app on my mobile. You just click on the face to mark your mood. Bloody mood tracker for doctor’s record. Not many options tho and those available ones does not describe the way I feel…

Another day wasted. I did nothing constructive. Just survived it. Did what I had to do but got nothing out of it. No satisfaction, no pleasure, learned nothing, gave nothing, did nothing. Just survived another day. Like a robot.

This pain… suffocating. I cant deal with all these panic attacks I have every day. I cant focus, I cant think straight, I cant have normal conversation because I cant think. All these people around me…. they all have some plans, projects, goals, dreams… They live their lifes.  My smile is fake. It is fake if I only manage to smile. I am too tired to even pretend to be in mood. I just sit there. I dont care anymore.

I am so, so tired…. 😦

Should I tell them???

I don’t feel like meet with people right now. I dont feel like going out. I dont want go for drinks. I dont even feel like waking up every day and go to work, smiling and pretending I am fine!!

I am tried of making excuses for not going out when REALLY DONT FEEL LIKE. All I want is to hide in some deep  dark hole and never come out!!! Is  it so hard to understand that I dont feel like listening to somebody’s crap?? I am doing it all the time!! I am listening patiently whole life stories of my friends and all the new people that come my way…. I am listening to their worries, problems and spend with them their happy moments. I am listening!!! I am listening all the time! That is all I can do because no-one care if I have something to say!! No-one cares about my stories, my worries and me!! I am always the “happy” one , the one who sees the glass always full, the positive one who makes others feel good.


I dont feel like go out with you and spend whole evening listening to your crap!!! I am happy for your engagement! I feel sorry for our friend who just broke up with her long term boyfriend and went back to her hometown. I feel sorry to hear that you didnt manage to fully relax while on holidays with your boyfriend because he is NOT THE ONE.  I do feel for you!!!! But I cant take this anymore. I appreciate your concern about me when you are asking “why are you so silent? ” WHY??? because it is all about you for fuck sake!!! Did we ever spend one, ONE evening that you would be listening to my problems? Would you listen to it anyway?? Would you care?? Well, do you??

The answer is NO! You are asking “how are you?” out of courtesy, because that is right think to do, because that what people do NOT BECAUSE YOU REALLY CARE!!!! Because you dont because as soon as I start talking you nod and say “yhm” and then the subject goes into you because I would feel bad that I let myself slip out something and bother you with my “little daily stuff” because that is all I can tell you about! the little daily stuff!!! I cant tell you what I really think or feel because you would NOT get it!!!! If I would tell you you would start feel pity on me. Maybe you would start avoiding me because you wouldnt know what to do…. I’ll tell you what to do!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I want to be listening to, I want you to care about my problems the same way I care about yours! I dont want to be the positive one because I AM NOT!!! Because I feel like scream and pull my hair out of my head. Because I want to cry. I want to cry SO MUCH I cant breath….Do you know how it feels? No, no you dont. Because your biggest worry is that you gain few kilos, that your boyfriend doesnt read books, that you didnt get the promotion you deserve…. I got it. It is a problem. It is something that bothers you right now and it is important to you so you want to talk about it. And I ll be there for you. I will listen. Because that what friends do….

Did it ever occurred to you that there are kids who never went and never will visit library?

I just saw some electoral ad promising improvement in educational system, changes for teachers and all that crap. The ad was made in a classroom full of kids, each of them sitting at the desk. What strucked me was that they had no notebooks or books on their desks but Ipads.

I know, I know! We are in XXI century and even few years old kids knows programming and stuff but… somehow it is a bit sad. I don’t know why it made me feel this way. I think I would prefer to see those kids with books but that is – what they call – a progress, I guess….

It just strucked me. I hope those kids know how to use books as well as they are using Ipads and other inventions of modern World…

My tiny contribution into a very hard work of trying to make this planet a better place…

They say that once you have seen something , it can not be unseen. Once you acknowledge something, you can not simply unknown it.

I don’t tell people what to do. I am not a fighter. I am not even an activist. I dont go around trying to tell people to stop doing this or that. No. I am no-one to tell people how to leave, what to think, what to eat….Once you start doing it, people became aggressive and I dont like to fight and argue…

There is so much going on on this planet but I do believe in humanity, I want to believe that people are good at heart….

Wars, rapes, killing, abusive behavior, violence, organ harvesting, atrocities, bombing, beating, lashing, testing, peeling of the skin alive, boiling, torturing… Blood. The bad blood. Blood everywhere. Meat. Animal meat. Human meat….Disrespectful treatment. We all became objects. Injustice, lack of respect. Bad goods distribution. Selfishness. Lost of our values.We forgot what is important in life, our morals are gone. We treat each other like piece of meat. Worthless one. There is so much pain out there…

Knowing all that, how can I…. eat meat?

Blood, blood, blood.

I am not going to try to convince you to go vegan. This post is not about eating meat as such, it is more about my approach towards other beings, live creatures, both: animals and people.

When it comes to food, I have to admit that – like most of us – most of my life I lived in denial. I did not wanted to know how it is made. I refused to think there is any cruelty involved. I wanted to believe that all killing is done in humane way. I was convinced that animals lives happy life until their time come. And then they are dying in quick and painless way.

The time passed by, I grew up ans started thinking. Started to live more conscious life. As I mentioned at the beginning, once you seen something – it can not be unseen, and during my searching of better (in my opinion) and healthier  life style I saw things that were so disturbing, I would like to forget about them. Erase them from my memory. What I saw was the inconvenient and painful truth. The truth we don’t want to know, because it is too painful and too hard to take. The evil truth we create and we don’t like to be linked to anything that is considered as bad or evil. People don’t like to be tagged as the bad ones. We want to live in safe and happy place so we choose not to know. Acknowledging the truth would be equal to admitting that we are part of the crime. We would have to admit that we are the murders and that would make us upset, sad and angry. We would be disturbed. Our luxurious lives would be damaged.

Our lives would be changed. Weather it would be a good or a bad change – it depends on the person. Personally I think changes are always good. It all depends on somebody’s ability to adapt to a change.


Why did I choose to exclude myself from meat eaters community?

Well….I understood something. I realized that it is not about “can” and “can not” but about what I  want or don’t want. Being vegan doesn’t mean that you can not eat meat, drink milk, eat eggs, cheese and honey, wear skin jackets or riding on an elephant. Being vegan means to not cause any suffering. To do as little harm to this planet as possible. It is about not do to another live creature what you don’t want to be done to you. As simple as that. Respect. I can eat meat but I choose not to because now I know what does it take. Because I acknowledged myself with the truth that most of us don’t know about…

The hidden atrocities are quite vivid actually.

There is a very famous photo, taken by Kevin Carter in 1993 in Sudan. The photo shows a starving kid and a vulture waiting for his prey just few steps behind the little boy. Impossible to stay not touched by the image. Somehow this photo is always in my mind when I read facts, such as the report confirming that 80% of grains growing in poor countries, where people are literally starving to death, is being send to Western countries to feed the live stock….

How can I eat meat knowing all that? Knowing that the grain could have been used to feed the people? To save their lives?! Could keep them alive and instead was used to feed a cow (!) which is going to be slaughtered so we can have a steak, and not because we have to have it, but simply because we feel like it.

This kid from the photo…. in the eyes of the vulture was a simple piece of meat. Still breathing, still moving, but only piece of meat….


Right now, while I am writing it, somewhere on the planet a kid is dying as a result of bombing. In a day or two they will find his or her lifeless, tiny body and they will shake it in despair… They will shake it like a piece of meat… which the little innocent kid eventually become.

In this minute, this particular second somewhere on the planet, some woman is being raped by a gang of sick monsters who treats her body with no respect, exactly the same way we treat meat…

We still divide ourselves into two groups: thin ones, considered as healthy and beautiful and the fat ones, meaning ugly and worthless. Isn’t it the same way we check the meat at the counter?

I could continue like that for hours. So many stories and example to bring.

I will tell you one last one…. Once I clicked on wrong link and ended up on a wrong site. I truly  would like to forget about what I’ve seen….

Among dozens of men gathered in a circle, was lying a body of a young soldier. They were laughing and scanding as if celebrating something. There were few years old boys among them.

I kept on watching. The guy took a knife and started to cut. It took him a while before he could pick the head up and cheer the crowd even more. He was chopping the head off the lifeless body exactly the way we would cut off a meat from the bone.

Then I clicked on “replay”. Why? I wanted to believe that what I’ve just watched was just well made clip for some sick propaganda’s purpose. So I watched it again, carefully studying every detail, searching for proof that it is not a real footage video. It was. The piece of meat which used to be a human, a young soldier, now was moving accordingly to the movement of the knife.


I guess my brain couldn’t contain it anymore. All those terrible, horrifying pictures were “attacking” me from everywhere all of sudden. Internet, newspapers, radio… Blood everywhere. Bad blood. Blood shed for money. Blood shed for nothing. Kids blood, woman blood, man blood, animal blood…. Rivers of blood going straight from the slaughterhouse into the main river… the same one that feeds our plants, same one from which the water we use each time we open the tab….

Injustice. Inequality. Terror. Suffering of innocent. Lying. Bullying. Backstabbing. Hypocrisy. Denial. Wrong distribution. Wrong logistic. Unfair judging. Lack of compassion. World is going into bad direction….

Will it ever be good? We are paying the price for mistakes of our predecessors. They, just like us, were thinking there is nothing they can do because it all went too far, so they remained passive inside of their safety zones. We simply copy the scheme hoping that our kids will fix the world… making the same mistake. Shame on us.

I don’t eat meat for many reasons. The main one and the only one really worth to mention is:  the knowledge. Knowledge is the key. I know too much….

I am trying to be a good person. My choice is not to harm. Not only for animals. Not for people. It is for the World. It is my little, tiny contribution into a very hard work of trying to make this planet a better place….

Will we succeed?

She left me a silver pendant and she died…

It is…. overwhelming.

I did nothing. I am no-one. When we found out she is sick I thought “well, it’s life”. I thought: “with such amount of cigarettes, smoked every day no wonder she is sick.What is it? I am sure it is a cancer! Every damn smoker is risking it with every damn cigarette!”

She was smoking inside their flat. On the balcony. And in the backyard.  We could smell it from the distance, the disgusting odor of cigarettes. It all was going up with the wind, straight into our kitchen or bedroom. Hated it! 6 am and “good morning world!” I was waking up smelling her smoking on the balcony just below ours…. We’ve never said anything.

She got a cancer. Started in her kidney. Then spread into her stomach, lungs and bones. We’ve stopped seeing her. Only her husband was still “on the move”. We started to wonder what happened but never dared to ask… like completely strangers, even though we’ve been leaving under the same roof for 4 long years.

Then someone told us. She was in hospital. They did some tests. She got back home, but got stuck in bed.

Strangers. Only simple “hello” while passing by. Neighbors.

When I found out how bad it is I felt that things cant stay the way they are. I felt almost obliged to do something for them. Not because I felt pity for her. I feel that you cant leave people in their hard times just like that. Whatever it is, when you see someone in pain, distress, worried, crying, angry, hurt… do something about it. At least try. You never know… maybe you will be the one who will bring back a smile on their face. Even just for a second. For some of them the second might be eternity….

I’ve made  salad. Nothing special. Something light and healthy. Knocked their door wondering what to say. The old man opened. I told him as gently as I could that we know his wife is sick and that if they need anything we are there for them. Gave him the little meal, exchanged few words, assured him few more times that he can knock at anytime and I left. Couple of days later brought them some cake. I decided to pay them little visit every now and then. Just to assure them they are not alone. There are people around them ready to help. I wanted them to know it.

On the second or third time (?) he asked me to come inside but I refused. I thanked him and excused myself , I didn’t want to disturb.

I couldn’t refuse another time when he invited me again. I went into their bedroom , where she was lying barely able to move. She was touched, she cried. She thanked me even though I did nothing. We’ve talked a bit. I took her hand. Touched her skinny cheek and told her there is no reason to worry and that I will visit her soon again. I told her that everything  will be fine…..

She loved flowers. So next time I brought her big bunch of  nice smelled flowers. Even though she was in great pain she was smiling all the time 🙂

They took her to hospital. Illness was making progress throughout her body very fast. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t walk, she could barely eat. They kept her on painkillers, making tests and wondering what can be done.

I visited her at the hospital. She cried. She couldn’t  take it anymore. She couldn’t take the pain anymore. She said she wish to die… Her husband found some container to put the flowers into it so it could stand next to her bed together with the birthday card, wishing her all the best….

My last visit she couldn’t remember. She was sleeping. She couldn’t see the flowers I brought her. Her husband  told me she is very weak and it is getting worst and worst every day. He told me that the professor wants to see him to discuss something….

The day after he had the meeting with the doctors I knocked the door. He opened them smiling joyfully as if happy to see me! Then I smelled the scent of alcohol… when I asked him how is HE doing, he said that he is little bit tired after whole day. It was obvious. I got it. They told him that there is nothing they can do for her anymore…

They moved her to palliative care, where she spent her last few weeks… in pain, on drugs, barely conscious. With her husband by her side. Everyday.

I wanted to visit her again but was too busy with my own life.

When I finally went to the hospital it was 2 hours too late. Two hours.

Tomorrow is her funeral. Funeral of a woman I barely knew.

Two days ago, when I was at work my husband called me. He said the neighbor brought something for me… a necklace from his wife. I was astonished, I was taken aback, my heart sunk.  I could literally feel like this huge bulb was growing in my throat…

I couldn’t open it. I didnt want to see it. I refused to think it is for me. I didnt want to think about it. I cried.

Earlier this evening I went to him with the necklace. I was going to tell him that it is to precious and I cant take it. I was going to ask him if he needs anything but to my happiness I saw that some members of his wife’s family managed to come.

He said that his wife asked him to pack the necklace and give it to me when she will be gone. She told him to do it months ago… After my seconds visit with the flowers….

I did nothing. I feel so sorry. This simple act of….. I cant describe it. I am trying to be a  good person. I believe in kindness. I believe in love. This is how I want to live. This is what I want to give. I want people to be happy. I want to see them smiling.

Never thought that people can see it. I never know if I have done enough. I always see there is something else or more to be done.  I want people to be happy. I am trying to be a good person but no-one never gave me the tiniest impression that I am doing something good, so I dont know if I am doing enough…

She saw it.

The stranger woman has seen it in me and then she died.

Got a job and I am not happy about it…

I got a job!!!

Fantastic news huh? I’ve been waiting for this moment for couple of incredibly long months. I’ve been worrying, crying, going crazy, mad, I’ve been close to giving up few times yet never did. I was hopeful and tried to stay positive despite my hopeless situation. I’ve never get bored or never stopped looking for something. Kept myself busy and tried to stay calm and sane. And I got it!!!

I got it  almost two weeks ago.

I didn’t tell anyone.

Apart from my lovely husband no-one knew. Told few people just a two or three days ago and only because I was wondering what will I tell them when they will want to meet and I wont be able to cos I’ll be at work… Not to share my happiness with them. A bit awkward, but since it happened once that I got a job and (literally) few moments later was jobless again, I think it is a way my little brain is trying to keep itself on a safe side. Kind of a comfort zone, to not to get hurt again.

Brain or heart we are talking about? Both?

It is sad! Depressing! I cant even be happy about one of the most crucial part of our life. It sucks actually!! I want to be happy about it! I want to celebrate and behave as any normal person would do! My first day at work is about to start and I still cant actually believe that it WILL happened. I am trying not to think too much in advance. I am trying to push away all thoughts about the office, new colleagues, things I’ll have to learn… I am trying not to PLAN anything because it may fall at any second…

Is this how my life will look like for forever? Constant fear? Never ending anxiety about almost everything? Especially about good things that may come my way??

Maybe (and hopefully) I just need some time. A time to start to believe that it is really happening. That my CV was good enough to go through. That my interview went well enough that someone actually did like me enough to offer me this position.That they really WANT ME.

This is so foolish! I am a moron! A complete idiot! People are dying to get a job (so was I) and now I am whining because I got one….

Please be happy for me! Someone please tell me that it will be fine. That I’ll make it… Someone please punch me in the head! Pinch me so I’ll wake up and see that this is really happening and it will be just fine…

I cant help you, my Little Star…

I have a friend. A good one. We are from different planets but our trajectories meets and crosses quite often. We know each other for couple of years. She has a men, a kid, a house, good job. She is beautiful and smart.

She is also a lonely star.

She has an eating disorder.

Last time I’ve been at their house she was preparing food for her kid. Rice cracker with Philadelphia cheese. LIGHT. Later on I’ve been making myself a coffee, I’ve opened their fridge to get some milk and there was none. Not only there was no milk but there was nothing apart from ketchup, can of tuna, few eggs, honey jar and few slices of ham, or whatever it was…

…because she doesn’t like cooking.

She was on diet couple of days ago. Again.

She is beautiful, blonde and skinny. So skinny…

They have a two years old kid. Fantastic one. Little blond, like mummy. Healthy, full of joy, trusting and innocent.

Her man is handsome dark hair foreigner. Bit exotic looking man of the house. Man with rules. Good man.

From what I’ve heard, they had a great sex. Lots of it.

They’ve HAD it. Because she doesn’t feel attractive anymore.

She told us she used to vomit a lot after meals. “USED to”. She is still doing it.

She exercise a lot. To “keep fit”.


My little lonely star….


If I’d only knew, how to help her…

And I should know that because I’ve been there. I’ve been vomiting for 15 years and it still happens. It is still an option. It is still in my head. Always will be.

So I should understand. Therefore I know that the main task of ours is to keep the little secret just for us. To keep on telling lies, to make sure that world doesn’t know or see. To persuade our loved ones that everything is fine.

That everything is under control. That we are in charge.

She is not. She is lost and feels lonely. She is all by herself. And I know that because I’ve been there.

I want to help but I can’t. I am not in a position to interfere in her life. I don’t want to be the one who will mess up with her life even more than she does herself. I don’t want to be the one who judges and accuses. I don’t want to and I can not be the one who will tell her what to do. To tell her to STOP.

It is impossible. What arguments shall I use? For the sake of the child? Because she is too old for it? Because there are so many people who loves her? Because she is not alone? Because…. because…because.

I know that all she needs to understand is that she is being loved. She needs to learn how to be loved. How to trust that someone may love her. She needs to start believing that her life doesn’t depend of some guy acceptance. She needs to start trust in herself, that she can do it on her own because she is strong and smart enough to carry on, whether in relationship or not…

She needs to feel love.Not only give one, but take some for herself and simply enjoy it.

Easy to say.

I am overweight and unemployed. I am inconsistent liar myself. It took my very long time before I’ve believed someone can love me. We barely have sex. Because I am fat.


I cant stop thinking about her. The picture of her kid eating this diet rice cracker is still in my head. Will she pass it onto her child? If someone won’t stop her, she will. The kid will be growing up seeing her mother not happy with her own body and will catch it from her. The kid won’t be happy with this fantastic human body and all the attention will be focused on the appearance. Is this really what she wants to pass on? I know it is not but it is stronger than she thinks and right now she is working hard to teach her kid that the most important thing in life is to stay skinny…

…and I can’t help her.


The damned question.

It is been few months now. Some say it is “nothing” and I should be patient, and others says it is quite “strange” and “unbelievable” with my “experience and knowledge” since I’ve “been in the business for couple of years now”. So whats wrong? I guess there is someone who may know the answer to that question, I just didn’t meet the smart ass yet…

I’ve got an invitation for an interview. Two. I fucked up both of them.

One was OK until I’ve got the damn question. It is not even about the question but my answer. Basically I’ve tried to answer to something I had no bloody idea about. So instead of being honest and tell them that I simply don’t know as I have never had to deal with the thing as it was simply not any of my tasks, I came up with some silly answer which made me a liar and untrustworthy person! Why have I done that??! Whyyyyyyy?????!!!

I don’t know what was in my head at that moment!!! I was a fantastic job, great opportunity, good money, great work place, nice people…


The other interview went very well. In my opinion ONLY, apparently. Because if it would went well, I would be working person right now. The person I’ve been talking to was very nice and seemed to be very interested in me… professionally speaking. She asked so many questions and made me feel so comfortable and relaxed while I was answering them, that I have forgotten that I am on interview and was talking relaxed and smiling which was a great to feel at such stressful moment…

72 hours later I got the “thank you but NO” email.

What the hell? What am I doing wrong? Why I am letting myself to made all those crappy decisions? Why I am doing all those silly things??! What is the right way?

I need a job! A proper job with a salary on my account every month! We have no savings at this point. We still have a things we’ve got on credit, bills to pay, pets to feed and (soon) empty fridge… We dont have a family that can support us, neither friends who could help in case of emergency…

And the last one bothers me a lot those days. The situation we are in at the moment, or better to say I AM in right now, shows me clearly who is who in my life… All of sudden I’ve discovered that some people are not who I thought they are. I have found out that there are people – whom I considered as good acquaintances or friends – who are not so keen of me or are totally against me, not to mention that I realized that I have some enemies!

Some of them are trying to be very diplomatic, some of them rejecting me in a very straight forward way. Some of them still pretending they care, while never gave me this comforting sense of friendship… they pretend to listen, they judge, they have lots of “good” advises, but they  don’t have empathy…

And I cant blame them. People have their own lives to deal with, their own issues and problems, plans and dreams…So it is just another personal issue to sort out. Something I have to thing about it find a way to live with…

… and because I don’t want them to pity me I am trying to stop completely talking about my job searching adventures, although the topic is on each time… they are still nice enough to ask.

I have written one post which I have deleted later on. It was something about whether to use connections or not. Since then it became quite clear for me that I cant use connections because I don’t have any…

Seems like few more months of unemployment in perspective 😦