Like a robot. 

It is bad. The way I feel right now. I cant even describe it. I just want to cry…cry and scream. I want to cry so much….

Came back home little while ago. I’ve been searching for a parking for 55 min. Bloody 55 minutes of driving around and searching for a bloody parking space. And guess what? As soon as I found it, there was dozen of other parking places all of sudden!!!

It is bad. Yesterday I forgot about my dog while taking him for a walk. Literally. I realized that I didn’t take him with me half way to the spot…  I wanted to scream and cry but I couldn’t. I was in the car, in the middle of the road. Had to remain as stable as possible to be able to drive back and take him out.

It is bad. If not the dog in the car who knows… There was a moment when all I wanted was to close my eyes and press the pedal… I wanted it so badly. Just close my eyes and disappear. We were approaching the tunnel… Technically it was so easy. I didn’t do it because the dog was on the back seat, and he didn’t deserve it. He is still a pup.

I have this app on my mobile. You just click on the face to mark your mood. Bloody mood tracker for doctor’s record. Not many options tho and those available ones does not describe the way I feel…

Another day wasted. I did nothing constructive. Just survived it. Did what I had to do but got nothing out of it. No satisfaction, no pleasure, learned nothing, gave nothing, did nothing. Just survived another day. Like a robot.

This pain… suffocating. I cant deal with all these panic attacks I have every day. I cant focus, I cant think straight, I cant have normal conversation because I cant think. All these people around me…. they all have some plans, projects, goals, dreams… They live their lifes.  My smile is fake. It is fake if I only manage to smile. I am too tired to even pretend to be in mood. I just sit there. I dont care anymore.

I am so, so tired…. 😦


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