I don’t feel like meet with people right now. I dont feel like going out. I dont want go for drinks. I dont even feel like waking up every day and go to work, smiling and pretending I am fine!!
I am tried of making excuses for not going out when REALLY DONT FEEL LIKE. All I want is to hide in some deep dark hole and never come out!!! Is it so hard to understand that I dont feel like listening to somebody’s crap?? I am doing it all the time!! I am listening patiently whole life stories of my friends and all the new people that come my way…. I am listening to their worries, problems and spend with them their happy moments. I am listening!!! I am listening all the time! That is all I can do because no-one care if I have something to say!! No-one cares about my stories, my worries and me!! I am always the “happy” one , the one who sees the glass always full, the positive one who makes others feel good.
I dont feel like go out with you and spend whole evening listening to your crap!!! I am happy for your engagement! I feel sorry for our friend who just broke up with her long term boyfriend and went back to her hometown. I feel sorry to hear that you didnt manage to fully relax while on holidays with your boyfriend because he is NOT THE ONE. I do feel for you!!!! But I cant take this anymore. I appreciate your concern about me when you are asking “why are you so silent? ” WHY??? because it is all about you for fuck sake!!! Did we ever spend one, ONE evening that you would be listening to my problems? Would you listen to it anyway?? Would you care?? Well, do you??
The answer is NO! You are asking “how are you?” out of courtesy, because that is right think to do, because that what people do NOT BECAUSE YOU REALLY CARE!!!! Because you dont because as soon as I start talking you nod and say “yhm” and then the subject goes into you because I would feel bad that I let myself slip out something and bother you with my “little daily stuff” because that is all I can tell you about! the little daily stuff!!! I cant tell you what I really think or feel because you would NOT get it!!!! If I would tell you you would start feel pity on me. Maybe you would start avoiding me because you wouldnt know what to do…. I’ll tell you what to do!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I want to be listening to, I want you to care about my problems the same way I care about yours! I dont want to be the positive one because I AM NOT!!! Because I feel like scream and pull my hair out of my head. Because I want to cry. I want to cry SO MUCH I cant breath….Do you know how it feels? No, no you dont. Because your biggest worry is that you gain few kilos, that your boyfriend doesnt read books, that you didnt get the promotion you deserve…. I got it. It is a problem. It is something that bothers you right now and it is important to you so you want to talk about it. And I ll be there for you. I will listen. Because that what friends do….