Because I have bills to pay… 

9 am. Well…20 past to be precise.

What am I doing here?

Sitting at the desk which I hate. It is not even mine. They want us to be mobile so none get stick to one desk and this way we all can mix  and mingle.

Bullshit. I want to have my own desk, where I can leave my things. Headphones, charger, dirty mug, whatever… I want to belong to the place. I want to feel as part of it.

7 and a half hours to go. 1 hour lunch. that makes 6 hours and a half. Will I take lunch today? No. Most probably no because the schedule is fucked up and today we are pretty much under staffed. Shit.

My head is killing me. Didn’t sleep well. Cried almost whole evening. Have shitload to do but cant focus. I feel like literally get out of here. Checking my personal email every few minutes, waiting for the answer from the other company whether they want me there or not.

Is it so bad in here? Well….yes and no, it depends. I believe that changes are good. Yes, all changes are good. Just current changes are not good for me at this particular moment of my life. Therefore I am looking for another opportunity somewhere else. Hope it will work. Wish them (here) good luck.

Feel like writing. I could write for hours. Read and write. The problem is I have a bills to pay… so my time to write is limited. My time to read is limited too because after going back home I am so fuc*** tired I am falling asleep after 3 pages of the book… If I am off I do all the stuff I didn’t have time for during the week so then I am tired and dont feel like intellectual entertainment which makes me feel bad because this is what I would love to be occupied with instead of vacuuming and washing and cleaning and shopping… but someone has to do it right? 😦

Updated my mood tracker about 2 hours ago. Felt like shit already. Perfect start of the day. And it is only quarter to 10….

Finger crossed and I ‘ll make it. At least till 5pm. Because I have bills to pay…


Like a robot. 

It is bad. The way I feel right now. I cant even describe it. I just want to cry…cry and scream. I want to cry so much….

Came back home little while ago. I’ve been searching for a parking for 55 min. Bloody 55 minutes of driving around and searching for a bloody parking space. And guess what? As soon as I found it, there was dozen of other parking places all of sudden!!!

It is bad. Yesterday I forgot about my dog while taking him for a walk. Literally. I realized that I didn’t take him with me half way to the spot…  I wanted to scream and cry but I couldn’t. I was in the car, in the middle of the road. Had to remain as stable as possible to be able to drive back and take him out.

It is bad. If not the dog in the car who knows… There was a moment when all I wanted was to close my eyes and press the pedal… I wanted it so badly. Just close my eyes and disappear. We were approaching the tunnel… Technically it was so easy. I didn’t do it because the dog was on the back seat, and he didn’t deserve it. He is still a pup.

I have this app on my mobile. You just click on the face to mark your mood. Bloody mood tracker for doctor’s record. Not many options tho and those available ones does not describe the way I feel…

Another day wasted. I did nothing constructive. Just survived it. Did what I had to do but got nothing out of it. No satisfaction, no pleasure, learned nothing, gave nothing, did nothing. Just survived another day. Like a robot.

This pain… suffocating. I cant deal with all these panic attacks I have every day. I cant focus, I cant think straight, I cant have normal conversation because I cant think. All these people around me…. they all have some plans, projects, goals, dreams… They live their lifes.  My smile is fake. It is fake if I only manage to smile. I am too tired to even pretend to be in mood. I just sit there. I dont care anymore.

I am so, so tired…. 😦

Should I tell them???

I don’t feel like meet with people right now. I dont feel like going out. I dont want go for drinks. I dont even feel like waking up every day and go to work, smiling and pretending I am fine!!

I am tried of making excuses for not going out when REALLY DONT FEEL LIKE. All I want is to hide in some deep  dark hole and never come out!!! Is  it so hard to understand that I dont feel like listening to somebody’s crap?? I am doing it all the time!! I am listening patiently whole life stories of my friends and all the new people that come my way…. I am listening to their worries, problems and spend with them their happy moments. I am listening!!! I am listening all the time! That is all I can do because no-one care if I have something to say!! No-one cares about my stories, my worries and me!! I am always the “happy” one , the one who sees the glass always full, the positive one who makes others feel good.


I dont feel like go out with you and spend whole evening listening to your crap!!! I am happy for your engagement! I feel sorry for our friend who just broke up with her long term boyfriend and went back to her hometown. I feel sorry to hear that you didnt manage to fully relax while on holidays with your boyfriend because he is NOT THE ONE.  I do feel for you!!!! But I cant take this anymore. I appreciate your concern about me when you are asking “why are you so silent? ” WHY??? because it is all about you for fuck sake!!! Did we ever spend one, ONE evening that you would be listening to my problems? Would you listen to it anyway?? Would you care?? Well, do you??

The answer is NO! You are asking “how are you?” out of courtesy, because that is right think to do, because that what people do NOT BECAUSE YOU REALLY CARE!!!! Because you dont because as soon as I start talking you nod and say “yhm” and then the subject goes into you because I would feel bad that I let myself slip out something and bother you with my “little daily stuff” because that is all I can tell you about! the little daily stuff!!! I cant tell you what I really think or feel because you would NOT get it!!!! If I would tell you you would start feel pity on me. Maybe you would start avoiding me because you wouldnt know what to do…. I’ll tell you what to do!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I want to be listening to, I want you to care about my problems the same way I care about yours! I dont want to be the positive one because I AM NOT!!! Because I feel like scream and pull my hair out of my head. Because I want to cry. I want to cry SO MUCH I cant breath….Do you know how it feels? No, no you dont. Because your biggest worry is that you gain few kilos, that your boyfriend doesnt read books, that you didnt get the promotion you deserve…. I got it. It is a problem. It is something that bothers you right now and it is important to you so you want to talk about it. And I ll be there for you. I will listen. Because that what friends do….

Did it ever occurred to you that there are kids who never went and never will visit library?

I just saw some electoral ad promising improvement in educational system, changes for teachers and all that crap. The ad was made in a classroom full of kids, each of them sitting at the desk. What strucked me was that they had no notebooks or books on their desks but Ipads.

I know, I know! We are in XXI century and even few years old kids knows programming and stuff but… somehow it is a bit sad. I don’t know why it made me feel this way. I think I would prefer to see those kids with books but that is – what they call – a progress, I guess….

It just strucked me. I hope those kids know how to use books as well as they are using Ipads and other inventions of modern World…

My tiny contribution into a very hard work of trying to make this planet a better place…

They say that once you have seen something , it can not be unseen. Once you acknowledge something, you can not simply unknown it.

I don’t tell people what to do. I am not a fighter. I am not even an activist. I dont go around trying to tell people to stop doing this or that. No. I am no-one to tell people how to leave, what to think, what to eat….Once you start doing it, people became aggressive and I dont like to fight and argue…

There is so much going on on this planet but I do believe in humanity, I want to believe that people are good at heart….

Wars, rapes, killing, abusive behavior, violence, organ harvesting, atrocities, bombing, beating, lashing, testing, peeling of the skin alive, boiling, torturing… Blood. The bad blood. Blood everywhere. Meat. Animal meat. Human meat….Disrespectful treatment. We all became objects. Injustice, lack of respect. Bad goods distribution. Selfishness. Lost of our values.We forgot what is important in life, our morals are gone. We treat each other like piece of meat. Worthless one. There is so much pain out there…

Knowing all that, how can I…. eat meat?

Blood, blood, blood.

I am not going to try to convince you to go vegan. This post is not about eating meat as such, it is more about my approach towards other beings, live creatures, both: animals and people.

When it comes to food, I have to admit that – like most of us – most of my life I lived in denial. I did not wanted to know how it is made. I refused to think there is any cruelty involved. I wanted to believe that all killing is done in humane way. I was convinced that animals lives happy life until their time come. And then they are dying in quick and painless way.

The time passed by, I grew up ans started thinking. Started to live more conscious life. As I mentioned at the beginning, once you seen something – it can not be unseen, and during my searching of better (in my opinion) and healthier  life style I saw things that were so disturbing, I would like to forget about them. Erase them from my memory. What I saw was the inconvenient and painful truth. The truth we don’t want to know, because it is too painful and too hard to take. The evil truth we create and we don’t like to be linked to anything that is considered as bad or evil. People don’t like to be tagged as the bad ones. We want to live in safe and happy place so we choose not to know. Acknowledging the truth would be equal to admitting that we are part of the crime. We would have to admit that we are the murders and that would make us upset, sad and angry. We would be disturbed. Our luxurious lives would be damaged.

Our lives would be changed. Weather it would be a good or a bad change – it depends on the person. Personally I think changes are always good. It all depends on somebody’s ability to adapt to a change.


Why did I choose to exclude myself from meat eaters community?

Well….I understood something. I realized that it is not about “can” and “can not” but about what I  want or don’t want. Being vegan doesn’t mean that you can not eat meat, drink milk, eat eggs, cheese and honey, wear skin jackets or riding on an elephant. Being vegan means to not cause any suffering. To do as little harm to this planet as possible. It is about not do to another live creature what you don’t want to be done to you. As simple as that. Respect. I can eat meat but I choose not to because now I know what does it take. Because I acknowledged myself with the truth that most of us don’t know about…

The hidden atrocities are quite vivid actually.

There is a very famous photo, taken by Kevin Carter in 1993 in Sudan. The photo shows a starving kid and a vulture waiting for his prey just few steps behind the little boy. Impossible to stay not touched by the image. Somehow this photo is always in my mind when I read facts, such as the report confirming that 80% of grains growing in poor countries, where people are literally starving to death, is being send to Western countries to feed the live stock….

How can I eat meat knowing all that? Knowing that the grain could have been used to feed the people? To save their lives?! Could keep them alive and instead was used to feed a cow (!) which is going to be slaughtered so we can have a steak, and not because we have to have it, but simply because we feel like it.

This kid from the photo…. in the eyes of the vulture was a simple piece of meat. Still breathing, still moving, but only piece of meat….


Right now, while I am writing it, somewhere on the planet a kid is dying as a result of bombing. In a day or two they will find his or her lifeless, tiny body and they will shake it in despair… They will shake it like a piece of meat… which the little innocent kid eventually become.

In this minute, this particular second somewhere on the planet, some woman is being raped by a gang of sick monsters who treats her body with no respect, exactly the same way we treat meat…

We still divide ourselves into two groups: thin ones, considered as healthy and beautiful and the fat ones, meaning ugly and worthless. Isn’t it the same way we check the meat at the counter?

I could continue like that for hours. So many stories and example to bring.

I will tell you one last one…. Once I clicked on wrong link and ended up on a wrong site. I truly  would like to forget about what I’ve seen….

Among dozens of men gathered in a circle, was lying a body of a young soldier. They were laughing and scanding as if celebrating something. There were few years old boys among them.

I kept on watching. The guy took a knife and started to cut. It took him a while before he could pick the head up and cheer the crowd even more. He was chopping the head off the lifeless body exactly the way we would cut off a meat from the bone.

Then I clicked on “replay”. Why? I wanted to believe that what I’ve just watched was just well made clip for some sick propaganda’s purpose. So I watched it again, carefully studying every detail, searching for proof that it is not a real footage video. It was. The piece of meat which used to be a human, a young soldier, now was moving accordingly to the movement of the knife.


I guess my brain couldn’t contain it anymore. All those terrible, horrifying pictures were “attacking” me from everywhere all of sudden. Internet, newspapers, radio… Blood everywhere. Bad blood. Blood shed for money. Blood shed for nothing. Kids blood, woman blood, man blood, animal blood…. Rivers of blood going straight from the slaughterhouse into the main river… the same one that feeds our plants, same one from which the water we use each time we open the tab….

Injustice. Inequality. Terror. Suffering of innocent. Lying. Bullying. Backstabbing. Hypocrisy. Denial. Wrong distribution. Wrong logistic. Unfair judging. Lack of compassion. World is going into bad direction….

Will it ever be good? We are paying the price for mistakes of our predecessors. They, just like us, were thinking there is nothing they can do because it all went too far, so they remained passive inside of their safety zones. We simply copy the scheme hoping that our kids will fix the world… making the same mistake. Shame on us.

I don’t eat meat for many reasons. The main one and the only one really worth to mention is:  the knowledge. Knowledge is the key. I know too much….

I am trying to be a good person. My choice is not to harm. Not only for animals. Not for people. It is for the World. It is my little, tiny contribution into a very hard work of trying to make this planet a better place….

Will we succeed?