Got a job and I am not happy about it…

I got a job!!!

Fantastic news huh? I’ve been waiting for this moment for couple of incredibly long months. I’ve been worrying, crying, going crazy, mad, I’ve been close to giving up few times yet never did. I was hopeful and tried to stay positive despite my hopeless situation. I’ve never get bored or never stopped looking for something. Kept myself busy and tried to stay calm and sane. And I got it!!!

I got it  almost two weeks ago.

I didn’t tell anyone.

Apart from my lovely husband no-one knew. Told few people just a two or three days ago and only because I was wondering what will I tell them when they will want to meet and I wont be able to cos I’ll be at work… Not to share my happiness with them. A bit awkward, but since it happened once that I got a job and (literally) few moments later was jobless again, I think it is a way my little brain is trying to keep itself on a safe side. Kind of a comfort zone, to not to get hurt again.

Brain or heart we are talking about? Both?

It is sad! Depressing! I cant even be happy about one of the most crucial part of our life. It sucks actually!! I want to be happy about it! I want to celebrate and behave as any normal person would do! My first day at work is about to start and I still cant actually believe that it WILL happened. I am trying not to think too much in advance. I am trying to push away all thoughts about the office, new colleagues, things I’ll have to learn… I am trying not to PLAN anything because it may fall at any second…

Is this how my life will look like for forever? Constant fear? Never ending anxiety about almost everything? Especially about good things that may come my way??

Maybe (and hopefully) I just need some time. A time to start to believe that it is really happening. That my CV was good enough to go through. That my interview went well enough that someone actually did like me enough to offer me this position.That they really WANT ME.

This is so foolish! I am a moron! A complete idiot! People are dying to get a job (so was I) and now I am whining because I got one….

Please be happy for me! Someone please tell me that it will be fine. That I’ll make it… Someone please punch me in the head! Pinch me so I’ll wake up and see that this is really happening and it will be just fine…

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