The damned question.

It is been few months now. Some say it is “nothing” and I should be patient, and others says it is quite “strange” and “unbelievable” with my “experience and knowledge” since I’ve “been in the business for couple of years now”. So whats wrong? I guess there is someone who may know the answer to that question, I just didn’t meet the smart ass yet…

I’ve got an invitation for an interview. Two. I fucked up both of them.

One was OK until I’ve got the damn question. It is not even about the question but my answer. Basically I’ve tried to answer to something I had no bloody idea about. So instead of being honest and tell them that I simply don’t know as I have never had to deal with the thing as it was simply not any of my tasks, I came up with some silly answer which made me a liar and untrustworthy person! Why have I done that??! Whyyyyyyy?????!!!

I don’t know what was in my head at that moment!!! I was a fantastic job, great opportunity, good money, great work place, nice people…


The other interview went very well. In my opinion ONLY, apparently. Because if it would went well, I would be working person right now. The person I’ve been talking to was very nice and seemed to be very interested in me… professionally speaking. She asked so many questions and made me feel so comfortable and relaxed while I was answering them, that I have forgotten that I am on interview and was talking relaxed and smiling which was a great to feel at such stressful moment…

72 hours later I got the “thank you but NO” email.

What the hell? What am I doing wrong? Why I am letting myself to made all those crappy decisions? Why I am doing all those silly things??! What is the right way?

I need a job! A proper job with a salary on my account every month! We have no savings at this point. We still have a things we’ve got on credit, bills to pay, pets to feed and (soon) empty fridge… We dont have a family that can support us, neither friends who could help in case of emergency…

And the last one bothers me a lot those days. The situation we are in at the moment, or better to say I AM in right now, shows me clearly who is who in my life… All of sudden I’ve discovered that some people are not who I thought they are. I have found out that there are people – whom I considered as good acquaintances or friends – who are not so keen of me or are totally against me, not to mention that I realized that I have some enemies!

Some of them are trying to be very diplomatic, some of them rejecting me in a very straight forward way. Some of them still pretending they care, while never gave me this comforting sense of friendship… they pretend to listen, they judge, they have lots of “good” advises, but they  don’t have empathy…

And I cant blame them. People have their own lives to deal with, their own issues and problems, plans and dreams…So it is just another personal issue to sort out. Something I have to thing about it find a way to live with…

… and because I don’t want them to pity me I am trying to stop completely talking about my job searching adventures, although the topic is on each time… they are still nice enough to ask.

I have written one post which I have deleted later on. It was something about whether to use connections or not. Since then it became quite clear for me that I cant use connections because I don’t have any…

Seems like few more months of unemployment in perspective 😦


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