I have a friend. A good one. We are from different planets but our trajectories meets and crosses quite often. We know each other for couple of years. She has a men, a kid, a house, good job. She is beautiful and smart.

She is also a lonely star.

She has an eating disorder.

Last time I’ve been at their house she was preparing food for her kid. Rice cracker with Philadelphia cheese. LIGHT. Later on I’ve been making myself a coffee, I’ve opened their fridge to get some milk and there was none. Not only there was no milk but there was nothing apart from ketchup, can of tuna, few eggs, honey jar and few slices of ham, or whatever it was…

…because she doesn’t like cooking.

She was on diet couple of days ago. Again.

She is beautiful, blonde and skinny. So skinny…

They have a two years old kid. Fantastic one. Little blond, like mummy. Healthy, full of joy, trusting and innocent.

Her man is handsome dark hair foreigner. Bit exotic looking man of the house. Man with rules. Good man.

From what I’ve heard, they had a great sex. Lots of it.

They’ve HAD it. Because she doesn’t feel attractive anymore.

She told us she used to vomit a lot after meals. “USED to”. She is still doing it.

She exercise a lot. To “keep fit”.

 

My little lonely star….

 

If I’d only knew, how to help her…

And I should know that because I’ve been there. I’ve been vomiting for 15 years and it still happens. It is still an option. It is still in my head. Always will be.

So I should understand. Therefore I know that the main task of ours is to keep the little secret just for us. To keep on telling lies, to make sure that world doesn’t know or see. To persuade our loved ones that everything is fine.

That everything is under control. That we are in charge.

She is not. She is lost and feels lonely. She is all by herself. And I know that because I’ve been there.

I want to help but I can’t. I am not in a position to interfere in her life. I don’t want to be the one who will mess up with her life even more than she does herself. I don’t want to be the one who judges and accuses. I don’t want to and I can not be the one who will tell her what to do. To tell her to STOP.

It is impossible. What arguments shall I use? For the sake of the child? Because she is too old for it? Because there are so many people who loves her? Because she is not alone? Because…. because…because.

I know that all she needs to understand is that she is being loved. She needs to learn how to be loved. How to trust that someone may love her. She needs to start believing that her life doesn’t depend of some guy acceptance. She needs to start trust in herself, that she can do it on her own because she is strong and smart enough to carry on, whether in relationship or not…

She needs to feel love.Not only give one, but take some for herself and simply enjoy it.

Easy to say.

I am overweight and unemployed. I am inconsistent liar myself. It took my very long time before I’ve believed someone can love me. We barely have sex. Because I am fat.

 

I cant stop thinking about her. The picture of her kid eating this diet rice cracker is still in my head. Will she pass it onto her child? If someone won’t stop her, she will. The kid will be growing up seeing her mother not happy with her own body and will catch it from her. The kid won’t be happy with this fantastic human body and all the attention will be focused on the appearance. Is this really what she wants to pass on? I know it is not but it is stronger than she thinks and right now she is working hard to teach her kid that the most important thing in life is to stay skinny…

…and I can’t help her.