I cant help you, my Little Star…

I have a friend. A good one. We are from different planets but our trajectories meets and crosses quite often. We know each other for couple of years. She has a men, a kid, a house, good job. She is beautiful and smart.

She is also a lonely star.

She has an eating disorder.

Last time I’ve been at their house she was preparing food for her kid. Rice cracker with Philadelphia cheese. LIGHT. Later on I’ve been making myself a coffee, I’ve opened their fridge to get some milk and there was none. Not only there was no milk but there was nothing apart from ketchup, can of tuna, few eggs, honey jar and few slices of ham, or whatever it was…

…because she doesn’t like cooking.

She was on diet couple of days ago. Again.

She is beautiful, blonde and skinny. So skinny…

They have a two years old kid. Fantastic one. Little blond, like mummy. Healthy, full of joy, trusting and innocent.

Her man is handsome dark hair foreigner. Bit exotic looking man of the house. Man with rules. Good man.

From what I’ve heard, they had a great sex. Lots of it.

They’ve HAD it. Because she doesn’t feel attractive anymore.

She told us she used to vomit a lot after meals. “USED to”. She is still doing it.

She exercise a lot. To “keep fit”.

 

My little lonely star….

 

If I’d only knew, how to help her…

And I should know that because I’ve been there. I’ve been vomiting for 15 years and it still happens. It is still an option. It is still in my head. Always will be.

So I should understand. Therefore I know that the main task of ours is to keep the little secret just for us. To keep on telling lies, to make sure that world doesn’t know or see. To persuade our loved ones that everything is fine.

That everything is under control. That we are in charge.

She is not. She is lost and feels lonely. She is all by herself. And I know that because I’ve been there.

I want to help but I can’t. I am not in a position to interfere in her life. I don’t want to be the one who will mess up with her life even more than she does herself. I don’t want to be the one who judges and accuses. I don’t want to and I can not be the one who will tell her what to do. To tell her to STOP.

It is impossible. What arguments shall I use? For the sake of the child? Because she is too old for it? Because there are so many people who loves her? Because she is not alone? Because…. because…because.

I know that all she needs to understand is that she is being loved. She needs to learn how to be loved. How to trust that someone may love her. She needs to start believing that her life doesn’t depend of some guy acceptance. She needs to start trust in herself, that she can do it on her own because she is strong and smart enough to carry on, whether in relationship or not…

She needs to feel love.Not only give one, but take some for herself and simply enjoy it.

Easy to say.

I am overweight and unemployed. I am inconsistent liar myself. It took my very long time before I’ve believed someone can love me. We barely have sex. Because I am fat.

 

I cant stop thinking about her. The picture of her kid eating this diet rice cracker is still in my head. Will she pass it onto her child? If someone won’t stop her, she will. The kid will be growing up seeing her mother not happy with her own body and will catch it from her. The kid won’t be happy with this fantastic human body and all the attention will be focused on the appearance. Is this really what she wants to pass on? I know it is not but it is stronger than she thinks and right now she is working hard to teach her kid that the most important thing in life is to stay skinny…

…and I can’t help her.

 

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The damned question.

It is been few months now. Some say it is “nothing” and I should be patient, and others says it is quite “strange” and “unbelievable” with my “experience and knowledge” since I’ve “been in the business for couple of years now”. So whats wrong? I guess there is someone who may know the answer to that question, I just didn’t meet the smart ass yet…

I’ve got an invitation for an interview. Two. I fucked up both of them.

One was OK until I’ve got the damn question. It is not even about the question but my answer. Basically I’ve tried to answer to something I had no bloody idea about. So instead of being honest and tell them that I simply don’t know as I have never had to deal with the thing as it was simply not any of my tasks, I came up with some silly answer which made me a liar and untrustworthy person! Why have I done that??! Whyyyyyyy?????!!!

I don’t know what was in my head at that moment!!! I was a fantastic job, great opportunity, good money, great work place, nice people…

Shit.

The other interview went very well. In my opinion ONLY, apparently. Because if it would went well, I would be working person right now. The person I’ve been talking to was very nice and seemed to be very interested in me… professionally speaking. She asked so many questions and made me feel so comfortable and relaxed while I was answering them, that I have forgotten that I am on interview and was talking relaxed and smiling which was a great to feel at such stressful moment…

72 hours later I got the “thank you but NO” email.

What the hell? What am I doing wrong? Why I am letting myself to made all those crappy decisions? Why I am doing all those silly things??! What is the right way?

I need a job! A proper job with a salary on my account every month! We have no savings at this point. We still have a things we’ve got on credit, bills to pay, pets to feed and (soon) empty fridge… We dont have a family that can support us, neither friends who could help in case of emergency…

And the last one bothers me a lot those days. The situation we are in at the moment, or better to say I AM in right now, shows me clearly who is who in my life… All of sudden I’ve discovered that some people are not who I thought they are. I have found out that there are people – whom I considered as good acquaintances or friends – who are not so keen of me or are totally against me, not to mention that I realized that I have some enemies!

Some of them are trying to be very diplomatic, some of them rejecting me in a very straight forward way. Some of them still pretending they care, while never gave me this comforting sense of friendship… they pretend to listen, they judge, they have lots of “good” advises, but they  don’t have empathy…

And I cant blame them. People have their own lives to deal with, their own issues and problems, plans and dreams…So it is just another personal issue to sort out. Something I have to thing about it find a way to live with…

… and because I don’t want them to pity me I am trying to stop completely talking about my job searching adventures, although the topic is on each time… they are still nice enough to ask.

I have written one post which I have deleted later on. It was something about whether to use connections or not. Since then it became quite clear for me that I cant use connections because I don’t have any…

Seems like few more months of unemployment in perspective 😦