I dont. Being jobless sucks. It sucks big time. Day by day getting more depressed and less hopeful. I am screwing up one interview after another just because for the past few years I simply didnt have to practice this activity, and now, all of sudden it became a crucial part of my life.
I quit my job. I didnt lost it , wasnt fired, just quit. Back then I thought it is a good idea because spending at least 8 hours in the office where people barely notice each other was nerve wracking. Plus the guy who took over as a manager was an asshole. So I decided that my health is more important and quit. I still think that it was a good idea but there is REALITY. My reality is unemployment. Being without job and with less and less hope to find any.
Seems like my age doesnt matter, but then I am facing fact that they just hired some 19 years old kid. Seems like I am experienced enough but then I discover that I know nothing. After my research on the market I know they can pay me a good salary but then I am told I am too expensive. Three languages also seems to be not enough.
Do I feel crap? Yes. I feel like I am going nowhere. I know I will never be who I really would like to be for that simple reason I was born in wrong place and wrong time but still I can do something. Be good at some job. I can learn new things. I can adjust to new place and people. Still – none wants to hire me. I have met almost all old friends that I didnt have time to meet when I was working. Obviously all of them thinking that I arrange all that meetings to announce that I am looking for something which is not true. Do people help me to find a job anyway? Yes and no. I dont want to use my connections. Somehow they know anyway,but I never ask. Not my way of doing things. Well I am hypocrite because I have done it once or twice… got desperate and it just slipped out.
I do not cope well with my unemployment. Waking up in the morning with no goals for the day is not funny at all. Unless the goal is to cook and clean, do some shopping, read a book, go for a coffee…. it is good for a week or two and when you know that there will be some pretty nice amount of cash coming in in the end of the month. If not, then there is a different story. My husbands money are NOT my money. It is him who is going to work every day and feeding us both! Paying bills, taking us out every now and then. Despite the fact that we have swear to each other “for better and for worst” and blah blah blah, I do not want to be on his support! I am healthy, still young and fully functional woman who can and want to be independent!
Jeez what a mess! All those feelings and emotions I am experiencing everyday are overwhelming. I can not force myself to be creative because I am too tired. I cant find myself learning something new because I am sick and tired of worrying…
…and this is the only thing I am REALLY good at at the moment.
Feel not alive.